Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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