I am spending my child support on dildos
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
