I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
