even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
