I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
