i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
