Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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