Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize