I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
50% drunk capacity currently
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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