My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
