i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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