hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
