My room smells like vodka and shame
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I believe in your delicious
Randomize
