Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
North Korea, Best Korea!
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
