he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
