can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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