Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
