He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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