I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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