Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Randomize
