I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
