Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
