if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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