We're facebook friends in real life
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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