My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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