Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The air was thick with penises
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
