Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
how drunk are you?
Several
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
