So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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