it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
