Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
