Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
