Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
