I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
