I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Sorry about my life...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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