when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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