Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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