So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
