This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
