rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
