u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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