Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
