plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
