What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
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