when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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