he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
