Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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