I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Randomize
