Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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