I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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