I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
