Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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